Well,****. My life is in pieces right now. I can’t think right, I feel empty and hollow…and I can’t bear to hope, since there’s not a lot that can be done.
I may be a bit in the down, sorry
#FridayFun time! Now here’s an innovation the world is ready for: The Cuddle Mattress, which introduces slats to the upper half of the bed, making it easier to slip your arm around your partner and still sleep in comfort. http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2013/08/27/216091675/weekly-innovation-a-mattress-that-makes-it-easier-to-cuddle
this is it.
THIS IS FUCKING IT.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF ARMS FALLING ASLEEP AND ACHING NECKS WE’VE FINALLY ARRIVED
THERE IS NO MORE WORRYING NOW THAT WE HAVE THESE FOAM STRIPS TO SHOVE OUR GRUBBY LITTLE ARMS INTO. JUST THINK OF THE OPPORTUNITIES. MAYBE SOME KID CAN FILL A PLASTIC BAG WITH LUBE, TUCK IT BETWEEN THIS SHIT, AND JUST GO TO FUCKING TOWN ON THIS STATE-OF-THE-ART MATTRESS
BUT THATS NOT ALL. DO YOUR FUCKING TOES GET COLD? SHOVE YOUR FEET IN THESE CUSHIONS AND SLEEP SOUNDLY KNOWING YOUR FOOT-NUBS ARE FREE OF THE COLD.
NEED TO KEEP YOUR PHONE CLOSER WHILE YOU SLEEP? TOSS IT IN THE CRACK. AFRAID TO LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE IN THEIR NURSERY? WEDGE IT INTO THE CRACK. JUST FUCKING DO IT. EVER TEMPTED TO SIP A BEVERAGE WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF BED? SHOVE A CUP AND THERE AND INSERT YOUR STRAW. PRESTO-CHANGO, MOTHERFUCKERS.
WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS. THIS BED CAN SOLVE ALL OF THE PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD. GO OUT THERE AND BUY YOUR CUDDLING, MASTURBATORY, CHILD-AND-DRINK-HOLDING, PHONE-STORING MATTRESS RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOD
Tumblr users should never make infomercials
It’s morning. Your alarm goes off, and you yawn, cracking your eyes open blearily. You attempt to sit up in bed, when suddenly… shit, both your elbows sink straight into those damn grooves in your Cuddle Mattress(TM). You flail helplessly, not yet awake enough to have full motor control. You don’t quite have the ab strength to sit up with both arms stuck, and you have no leverage to push yourself out. Thus, you settle with struggling to roll over onto your side, wriggling one elbow out. As it suddenly jerks out, you overbalance and are unceremoniously dumped facefirst onto the hard, cold floor. Ah yes. Another lovely morning, brought to you by a mattress with fucking cracks in it.
could you imagine if a spider got down it?